I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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