Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
