Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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