I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
