I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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