i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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