I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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