Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
