I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
