I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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