My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
