i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
