I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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