So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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