Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize