I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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