I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
