The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
