I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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