I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
