you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
