my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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