The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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