Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
