if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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