Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i came on her dog
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
