do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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