my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Randomize
