He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
