i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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