dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
