At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
