I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
