Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
