i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
