I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
