Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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