Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I am midnight drunk by noon
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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