in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
