I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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