Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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