My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
