oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
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