If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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