thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
