apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
