That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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