Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
