in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
