if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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