Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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