remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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