someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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