my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
