My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
