I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
too bad you live with your parents still
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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