We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
