Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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