Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
