You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
